There's a lot i have in my mind right now. But the state of despair mostly comes from the chaos of denials, dreams and desires.

There are these two things running parallelly. I have been hated and tormented so much by the one entity that i loved with every bit of myself that i get scared every time i see someone trying to read the emotions in my eyes, trying to peep through the gradually built up resistance against every emotional dependence.

With all my limitations and all the commitments, i wanted so much to be with a person to hold on to when everything else failed, i wanted to know there's that one place of shelter unaltered, unquestioned and invulnerable among these frequent pitfalls. But its only acceptable considering the moments that are enough to make the days measurable, the nights intolerable.

Dear God, could you really make up for this botched up ability to trust anymore? Could you really erase or change what i heard on the early hours of my birthday?
Or could you build someone strong enough to see me die everyday going through a living hell & yet love me to dream of the heaven together.. perhaps in after life?
As much as i believe that you know all that i have been going through for more than a year so far, i ask you these questions. Not that the answers really matter, i just wonder if you cared.